Be Taking a Big Leap

As an Arbonne Independent Consultant and wonder of my own Pure Bravery coaching company, I’m always working on self growth…..at times more intently than others. After I hit my second promotion within 7 months of beginning my business, I was told I needed to read “The Big Leap.” So I loaded it onto my Amazon Audible app on my phone and began listening a bit. Life got a tad in the way from time to time but something about this book was clicking with me.

And then today, I discovered something big.

The Big Leap, by Gay Hendricks, is a must read. The basic theory behind this book is that at times when we succeed, when we have good things and good fortune coming into our lives, for many of us it can be too much. We struggle with having that much goodness, that much success or luck or love in our lives that it makes us feel uncomfortable, without even realizing it. And then, without any intention of our conscious mind, we sabotage ourselves.

Think about it…...I’ve seen it multiple times in my life as a therapist.

A guy who has a great promotion at work starts to get sick and misses multiple days of work.

A couple who is trying to have a baby gets pregnant and then starts to have more little “fights” than they usually do.

A woman with an eating disorder goes 5 days without binge behavior and then goes out for a dinner with a friend and can’t stop herself when the food keeps coming.

It happens. When I hit my second promotion in Arbonne, I started to actually get a bit fearful, and then the negative head trash began. “What if I can’t keep this momentum going? What if I fail? Did I really just hit his mark? Me?” And on and on it went.

For many of us, we have an “upper limit” to how much goodness we can receive in our lives. We struggle to believe we can receive it, maintain it or we struggle to believe that we even DESERVE it, which challenges our cognitions about what’s going on.  My upper limit says, “I cannot continue to have success because of (fill in the blank).”

So today, on my run while visiting family in Arizona, it hit me…….I’ve been hitting my upper limit of happiness and sabotaging myself ALL YEAR LONG. Here’s how I came to a big realization……

After the IMAZ accident in 2014, I received an overwhelming response of support, both emotionally, physically, financially and mentally. I had the love of family and friends that exploded beyond my awareness. I had friends from childhood all the way up to my present day circle respond with overwhelming love. I had funds raised on my behalf that kept me alive and paying my medical bills. In short, the response to helping me was beyond anything I thought I’d ever receive. I never in a million years would have guessed I could be loved and supported that much. And it still to this day takes my breath away.

So here’s what I realized happened….when recovery came and progressed and life went back to somewhat “normal” status, it wasn’t easy for me to adjust back to my “new” life. While life was indeed moving on, I was still struggling. I was alone again and feeling handicapped. I wasn’t sure what lay ahead of me down the road and I was scared. And I began sabotaging myself. I hid from others and kept my pain secret. I didn’t utilize the plethora of people at my side to help me along. I ate a ton of sugar, something that had always helped me cope with pain as a child and it resulted in a weight gain of 15+ pounds over the past year. I withdrew and reacted to many things in my life out of fear instead of utilizing the tools I knew I had and the relationships I knew would be there.

In my own sabotage I realized that deep down within, I had this lie I believed that I didn’t DESERVE to feel so loved. I wasn’t WORTH the support of so many….and that ultimately it would all go away, so I just needed to realize that NOW. This realization totally hit me like a ton of bricks today. Wow.

Internally I was thinking “You shouldn’t feel this loved or supported because all in all, you are fundamentally flawed.” This thought created cognitive dissonance the mind “tug of war” when you try to hold 2 opposing thoughts at the same time. So I was dealing with the reality that I had a ton of love and support while also dealing with the belief that I was/am fundamentally flawed. 2 opposing thoughts/beliefs. “Given that I am bad/flawed/etc, how can I possibly be this rich in love and support?”

THus the cognitive dissonance can only be resolved in 2 ways…..either I sabotage myself and return to what “feels normal” (aloneness, loneliness, failure in taking healthy steps towards healthy) OR by letting go of the old belief which allow you to stabilize at the higher level and ultimately grow.

Isn’t this amazing? This was a huge realization for me today, something that I blamed myself for not realizing a LONG time ago. I was getting in my own way by believing something that was keeping me from being happy. We all do this from time to time. My own clients do this perpetually. They don't trust themselves or believe they deserve good things so when they’re successful for multiple days, something happens and that is their “reset” back to a level that feels comfortable and more “like them”......failure. This is the “upper limit bug” which bites me when I my higher levels of love, abundance and ability which I smack at when I feel like I’m hitting my limits in order to bring me back to a more understandable and more familiar level. The “bug” wins and I lose.

It makes me seriously wonder what would have happened if I had seriously pushed against the thoughts in my head that kept making me believe I wasn’t worthy of so much love and support. What if I would have reached out to others when I was scared and when I felt alone? What if I would have told others how handicapped and alone I felt even though I kept thinking it was time to be self-sufficient? What if I had expressed how sad and angry I was about the accident instead of eating it away? What if I would have believed it would be OK to express anger about the accident even though I was still grateful for being alive? Grateful for not having to sell my house and move home with my parents? Can you imagine how much easier this year could have been if I would have pushed against the fast beliefs that I had hit my limit for the goodness I could handle in my life?

This about it for yourself….how many times to things go really well and then the head trash begins. Or the sabotaging behaviors take over and that goal you have for yourself just gets ignored or the excuses keep coming.

My mind is blown by this book and I’ll keep reading and sharing.

I’m ready to take my Big Leap. Join me.

Be Taking a Big Leap. Be Brave.

Be Better Late than Never

Ironman Chattanooga…..my first attempt back at the IM 140.6 distance since the epic bike accident in Ironman Arizona 2014. There was a LOT on the line for this race but above all, I needed to finish this race…..my parents needed to see me get off the bike in one piece. I needed to cross a finish line and show myself I could do this again.

I had signed up for this race BEFORE Ironman Arizona 2014, mostly because literally everyone I love in the triathlon world in Ohio was doing the same thing. I wanted to be a part of the team. Chattanooga isn’t my ideal race course and after the turmoil of IMAZ 2014, I admittedly spent most of the year training “half assed.” I wasn’t sure I believed in myself to come back and finish but also wasn’t sure it was a race I wanted to do. My poor coach dealt with months of my fear and worry that I couldn’t handle Chattanooga and that I wasn’t going to be able to manage the challenges of the course. It was all crap. I was afraid and disappointed in the 10+ pounds I had put on in 2015 as a result of a ton of stuff I’ll share in another blog post. But overall, I showed up and got to race with some of the most amazing Ohio athletes I know….and that in and of itself was worth the entire trip.

My bud Ann had reserved a killer hotel room for us after the 2014 Ironman Chattanooga and despite it’s hefty price tag it was worth it. We were super close to transition and race start and again, worth EVERY penny. Driving down with Ann made my trip awesome….she’s a bright spot in my life and being with her made my heart smile. We arrived on Thursday before the race started and missed checking in by seconds. We finally crashed and woke up Friday to get our gear bags and all our race stuff, hear the athlete briefings and get our gear all set up to drop off the next day.

My parents weren’t going to NOT see me in this race and they arrived on Friday. My parents knew they couldn't’ talk me out of doing this race, although I know there was some fear and worry on both their hearts. How would there not be?

I dropped my gear off, always overpacking, on Saturday and then the rain came. Double bagged everything and that, again, was worth the effort. Chattanooga was going to be a tad colder than usual on race day and thankfully the rain looked like it would hold off. After dropping my bags, I went into Iron Amy hibernation mode. I needed to be quiet, and just rest without thinking about all the anxieties of the next morning. My parents did dinner on their own and I told them I’d see them in the morning. I was oddly calm for the race, the same feeling I remembered before Ironman Louisville in 2012 and Ironman Arizona in 2014. It’s almost where I get to the point of realizing “it is what it is. Let’s just go have fun, even if I take all 17 hours to finish this race. I'm here. That’s all that matters.”

It was an early morning wake up and down to the race start we headed. AFter grabbing a shuttle to the swim start downstream, we waited in line for the race to start. I opted to not wear a wetsuit and in the end it was a good decision for me. The water was warm and the current, as it always it, was with us. It’s a swimmer’s dream. I exited the water in 1:04. I’ll never swim that fast in an Ironman distance again. I loved it. I felt like it was easy and it wasn’t the crowded mess of Ironman Arizona.

Onto the bike. I had the fortune of riding the IM bike course about a month prior so I wasn’t unfamiliar with the course, but again, it was an Ironman. And the last time I raced, it didn’t end well. Oddly enough, none of that was on my mind. I just got on the bike and went. I had my own 2 Pure Bravery athletes racing and I wanted to show them I was strong and proud of my coaching and my bravery. I went on my training plan and surprised myself. Seeing friends along the way was fun and I made it through the first loop without a flat tire and without bonking. By the end it was tough, but it always is. It’s a LONG ride. I pushed myself and ended the bike course by actually getting OFF my bike in one piece…..and my parents were there to see it. Priceless. And a HUGE IM bike PR too boot. I made it off in about 6:30-ish. Surprised even myself!

Volunteers in the changing tent are amazing. One gal literally helped me change and kept sharing with me how proud she was of my efforts. This woman didn’t even know me but made me feel like I was a rockstar, and she reminded me what I had just done was a big frickin’ deal. Thanks gal.

Onto the run. It’s a wobbly feeling initially. Challenging to say the least. You’re using different parts of your leg muscles and it’s fun to take off a bit faster than you know you’ll be using down the road, mostly from the energy of the transition corund. I kissed my mother and high fived-my dad and told them I’d see them at the finish. They got to hang out with Ann’s family and I was glad they weren’t alone.

I’d run the IM run course before too so I wasn’t unfamiliar with it, although I knew it wouldn’t be easy. IT’s a hilly run course. It just is. And I felt nauseous for the first few miles….not sure why but ended up realizing I was behind a bit in electrolytes and needed some nutrition. I took nutrition earlier than I had intended but it helped. And seeing those awesome Base Performance guys Tony and Matt made my smile. Love them. Love Base.

On the first loop I knew the hills were coming. Thankfully a TON of my teammates were there to cheer me on and proudly enough I toughed it out on the first loop. My coach biked with me a tad and I was pleased I had been following our plan thus far! Never underestimate the ability to see people you love and love you back on the race course. It means more than I can express. Their belief in you will carry you through the dark times and it seriously did.

After the first loop I went out on the second and slowed a bit. I knew I had started too quickly on the first loop and although I know better, it happened. Lesson learned. After finishing the awful hills AGAIN On the second loop, I knew just a few miles and I'd be finishing. I hadn’t looked at the time but would come to realize I’d have an immense PR. Pushing it along I really tried to take it all in….the crowd, the support, the racers around me I chatted with, and the race itself…...I came back from almost dying a year ago and was about to finish an Ironman. Alive.

I pushed it in and finished a tad about 13 hours. My first IRonman experience in Lousiville 3 years prior was over 14:15. I had set a new record for myself just by enjoying my experience and doing MY race well. My coach meeted me there at the finish line and cried with me, just as she had done when she walked in my hospital room a year prior. It was a huge moment and meant the world to me. I was an Ironman…..again.

My parents were there and caught my finish. They have seriously got this Ironman spectator gig down well by now. And I'm so glad they were a part of my day. They have always been in my corner and supported my dreams. I’m a lucky gal.

I stayed around to see my friends finish and then went back to my hotel, changed clothes and came out for the finish. I walked into a hotel room with champagne from my Arbonne leadership team, supporting me all the way. All in all, a memory I’ll never forget.

While a lot wasn’t where I wanted for this race, I showed up...and that in and of itself was a feat, considering how I felt many times during the training year. I had wanted to quit so many times. I had beaten myself up so many times. I had made poor decisions so many times. But I showed up. And finished no matter what. I’d be grateful for the experience even if I had been the last person across that line.

I'm not sure what kept me from writing this race report….maybe I wasn’t sure how to put it all into words. Maybe I didn’t feel like it was a “true” comeback. I know it’s silly but emotions aren’t rational and they are what they are.

I’m looking forward to racing Ironman Arizona in 2016. I have some unfinished business.

Be proud of Ironman Chattanooga 2015. Be Better Late than Never. Be Brave.