Be Patient Dammit!

I reached a few new understandings about myself today, which really speaks about patterns in my life that have been most poignant in the past 8 week.  When I’m in a place where my patience is tested/pushed AND I have little to no control over the situation I can react in 2 different ways:

1       I freak out and fall apart emotionally or get overly angry at feeling so completely “out of control.” I’m fearful that this incident or injury or rare incident happening will reflect back on me and show the world how incompetent I am…OR it will ruin the life of someone else. Either way, it’s a extreme way to respond, I know this with all my heat and heart.

OR

2    I shut down. I give into the part of myself that tells me I’ve made a mistake or that this is a crisis that will ruin me, so why not just turn in the towel and agree?  Again, it’s not the best way to respond and I GET IT.

The realism I’m coming to from this is that I have got to find the middle path with impatience, especially when coming to the recognition that I have little to no control over many life circumstances. I can’t make myself develop new habits in 1 day. I can’t make myself recover from a near death accident in 1 week. I can’t run the pace I ran 8 weeks ago when I’ve been recovering slowly. I can’t take all my clients back yet and work full time. I can’t push others to find their own healing path if they aren’t up for the challenge.

I really thought I was better at this than I am. The truth is that working on patience and accepting reality is hard for us all, and for some of us it’s a daily practice.

One of the best things I need to do more of is keep leaning on others who are able to balance my impatient side with their patience side. I know they might struggle too, but in any particular moment, they can be JUST what I need. We all have people like that right?

Earlier in this week I had my regular physical therapy appointment with my great PT dude Joe. Joe welcomed me into the room and asked me how I was doing and how I felt. All I could feel that morning was that progress was slow. I mentioned to him that I felt good but was overly disappointed by how hard EVERYTHING felt. I truly felt like a struggling athlete, which isn’t bad, but it’s not the person I remember being 8 weeks ago. Joe balanced me well that morning and taught me more patience. “Amy, you haven’t been racing in the past 8 weeks AND you almost died in a tragic bike accident within the past couple of months. Considering all of that, you really need to recognize you’re making AMAZING progress.”  And I know he’s right. He’s not paid just to boost my ego, so he wasn’t giving me bull and I can really appreciate that. It’s funny how much we know we need to learn things but for SOME CRAZY REASON it always helps to hear it from others.

I was also reminded recently of the day I changed floors in the Scottsdale hospital and went from the critical care floor to the rehab floor. Rules were difference on the rehab floor and I quickly learned that I would need to ring a nurse just for the privilege of going to the bathroom. I hated this. Mostly because it was inconvenient, but also because it reiterate in my mind that I was handicapped and I hated that. So I had a bit of a sour attitude that night and called my mother crying. She tried to calm me down but got more anxious herself in the midst. We got off the phone and 5 seconds later my coach Carrie called. Poor Carrie had hear my mother in the other room dealing with “Impatient/Anxious Amy” and called to talk me down. After venting to her and feeling AWFUL for whining, she said to me, “Ok, here’s what we’re going to do then…you’re going to get through tonight and sleep well so that when tomorrow comes you’ll be ready to have a great yummy lunch with me and we’ll spend a good amount of time working on your notebook, making signs for your room and we’ll get you ready with goals for the week. And yes, it might be hard and you can tell me it really sucks and is WAY hard, but we’re going to do it and it’ll be ok. You’ll be ok. Sound like a plan?” “Ok” I said, sniffling back tears. She was right and I needed that more than ever.

The reality I’m coming to in all of this is that 95% of the time, the problem isn’t me…. it’s my belief that I can’t handle whatever is happening. So the turning point in harnessing more of my patient side is repeating the truth to myself that I CAN HANDLE THIS.

I could list a dozen things that I need to write down and remember, just for the sheer fact of reminding myself that not everything I believe in life might be true, especially if I believe it’s a crisis…because usually it’s not. Life happens and shit happens. Either way, I can handle it. I can be brave and keep moving ahead.

Patience is challenging…but impatience really robs me of the ability to show gratitude, and that’s something I can’t lose. Gratitude is the epitome of this beating heart that got a second chance.

Be Patient Dammit! Be Brave.

Be Friends with 2015 & Be Wise

Confession time: I haven’t written a blog entry in weeks…..this wasn’t on purpose, but more likely due to the fact that I wasn’t really “embracing” 2015 quite yet. It’s been a challenging first few weeks of the year here and like many of us, I’ve been avoiding stuff I really need to just approach and put out there…..sigh. Always learning, aren’t we?

Since being back in Ohio after early (and surprising) recovery in Arizona, I’ve come to realize that in the midst of coming back to my life here, my “normal” isn’t the same anymore. There are so many things about this recovery process that haven’t been my cup of tea. It’s funny how I can be grateful for the gift of life AND struggling with how to be “ME” again. What if that’s all changed? How am I to live normally again? I am a DIFFERENT person AND athlete now than I was 8 weeks ago!!!

In reality it’s been hard to come to terms with the fact that my training isn’t where I wish it was and my work life isn’t back to full time yet. Both of these areas were things I felt “strong” and upon returning to Ohio, I’ve had to “ease” back into training and presently am only able to work part time due to ongoing recovery efforts. Again, when life changes and the things that at one time were my STRONGEST parts of self, can now, at times, make me feel somewhat handicapped…...which is beyond challenging for this perfectionistic mind.

In my counseling practice, we teach our clients that the best wisdom and decisions they can make come from their “wise mind.” Wise mind is usually made of both the “rational mind” and the “emotional mind.” Rational mind is simply that...it’s rational. It knows the rules, the strengths and weaknesses and the logic behind arguments. Operating solely out of rational mind can be helpful, but it can also take any sort of feeling out of important, meaningful decisions. Emotional mind is just that….it’s emotional. This, of course, isn’t always bad, but when we sometimes make decisions ONLY from emotional mind, these may or may not be based in reality.

So the biggest reality I’ve come to in the past few weeks since being back, and starting 2015, is that I’m living most of my time in my emotional mind….which again, while beautiful and helpful, isn’t the only place I should be living. Get ready for some fun, because I’m going to narrate the ongoing emotional mind conversations I’ve been having with myself since coming back from AZ……

“It’s freaking cold here! But why are you always complaining about the cold? You WANTED to come home, remember? Shut up and enjoy it! Nope, not running at full tilt yet….that really sucks. Your body right now and your body 8 weeks ago are SO radically different. You’re slower, you’re softer, you’re not in any shape that you worked so hard to be in last fall…..way disappointing. You lost so much core fitness when you were in the hospital. Your body still carried many scars that don’t go away quickly. Better get used to it. Oh and remember that job you really excelled at? You can’t work more than part time right now even though financially you wish you could be back at 100%. Stupid traumatic brain injury makes you struggle with fatigue later on in the day…...again, you’re slow and handicapped. Get over it. Hopefully your colleagues won’t be disappointed if this goes on for the 6+ months the neurosurgeon quoted you! Great. Oh, and don’t think too much about that triathlon/running coaching company you wanted to start on the side AND name “Pure Bravery.” Who in their right mind would want to coach with you, knowing you’re not an elite athlete and you would literally be starting out in an area already saturated by coaches? Oh, and don’t share any of the negative or challenging thoughts with anyone….you don’t want to appear weak or ungrateful…..again just suck it up already and don’t be a loser…..at least not publicly.!”

Interesting, eh? Our emotional minds can be both a blessing and also a challenging place to reside if we always make decisions from this place. Luckily there are times, small times, but some times when I’ve been able to really step in my rational mind and see my current challenges for what they are…..just challenges. I’ve got some amazing pals who are able to step in and remind me that the way I’m thinking or feeling might not be the ONLY way to approach or interpret my life.

So here’s a bit of the rational mind AND wise mind…..it’s there ALL the time, but admitedly can be ignored at times:

“Amy, relax! It’s Ohio…..it’s going to be cold! It’ll only last for a few months though and it won’t always be this dreary or bad. You’ve been through many Ohio winters so just try to remember they aren’t always misery. Oh, and ff course your body isn’t where it was 8 weeks ago! You were in a major accident and was almost close to death, spent 2 weeks in a hospital bed and another 2 weeks at home with your parents in Arizona with super limited mobility. So it’s ok if your body isn’t where you WANT or WISH it could be. So what if you’ve lost a bit of core strength and feel a bit more “flabby!” Remember that getting back on the saddle is a choice and everyday you choose it because you consistently believe that bravery is key to life….so even if the fear is there, you BE BRAVE. It's ok if your Ironman strength is a bit slow right now. Oh, an so what if that spring marathon you always dreamt of doing this spring doesn’t happen! You’re getting your body back into running and races will always be there. Your Boston qualifying day will come. Right now it’s more important to get your body back to a place where running doesn’t hurt your ribs, where swimming doesn’t hurt your clavicle/shoulder, and where biking doesn’t FREAK you out! It’ll all come. Breathe. And remember that you want to be an example for others of strength and vitality. Oh, and the job stuff? Yeah, while you might be feeling “off” with not working full time yet, your BRAIN NEEDS TO FULLY HEAL. It’s really ok. You’re not stupid and you’re not handicapped. And seriously, if anyone thinks you’re lame for wanting to start a coaching company then ignore them. Seriously, they aren’t worth the time. You learned in this accident that life is a gift and we’re meant to do things we love. You CAN coach athletes….you CAN coach them in both training and the mental aspect of racing….you CAN help others reach their finish line. Believe in yourself. You’re more capable than you think.”

So it’s all in there…..it comes down to what I choose to listen to at various points in the day, I suppose. Everyday is different and each day I can go back and forth, getting really down on myself for not being where I was 8 weeks ago versus realizing that this present time is temporary….and it’ll all get back to “normal,” whatever that might be, someday.

Be Friends with 2015. Be Wise. Be Brave.