Be Patient Dammit!

I reached a few new understandings about myself today, which really speaks about patterns in my life that have been most poignant in the past 8 week.  When I’m in a place where my patience is tested/pushed AND I have little to no control over the situation I can react in 2 different ways:

1       I freak out and fall apart emotionally or get overly angry at feeling so completely “out of control.” I’m fearful that this incident or injury or rare incident happening will reflect back on me and show the world how incompetent I am…OR it will ruin the life of someone else. Either way, it’s a extreme way to respond, I know this with all my heat and heart.

OR

2    I shut down. I give into the part of myself that tells me I’ve made a mistake or that this is a crisis that will ruin me, so why not just turn in the towel and agree?  Again, it’s not the best way to respond and I GET IT.

The realism I’m coming to from this is that I have got to find the middle path with impatience, especially when coming to the recognition that I have little to no control over many life circumstances. I can’t make myself develop new habits in 1 day. I can’t make myself recover from a near death accident in 1 week. I can’t run the pace I ran 8 weeks ago when I’ve been recovering slowly. I can’t take all my clients back yet and work full time. I can’t push others to find their own healing path if they aren’t up for the challenge.

I really thought I was better at this than I am. The truth is that working on patience and accepting reality is hard for us all, and for some of us it’s a daily practice.

One of the best things I need to do more of is keep leaning on others who are able to balance my impatient side with their patience side. I know they might struggle too, but in any particular moment, they can be JUST what I need. We all have people like that right?

Earlier in this week I had my regular physical therapy appointment with my great PT dude Joe. Joe welcomed me into the room and asked me how I was doing and how I felt. All I could feel that morning was that progress was slow. I mentioned to him that I felt good but was overly disappointed by how hard EVERYTHING felt. I truly felt like a struggling athlete, which isn’t bad, but it’s not the person I remember being 8 weeks ago. Joe balanced me well that morning and taught me more patience. “Amy, you haven’t been racing in the past 8 weeks AND you almost died in a tragic bike accident within the past couple of months. Considering all of that, you really need to recognize you’re making AMAZING progress.”  And I know he’s right. He’s not paid just to boost my ego, so he wasn’t giving me bull and I can really appreciate that. It’s funny how much we know we need to learn things but for SOME CRAZY REASON it always helps to hear it from others.

I was also reminded recently of the day I changed floors in the Scottsdale hospital and went from the critical care floor to the rehab floor. Rules were difference on the rehab floor and I quickly learned that I would need to ring a nurse just for the privilege of going to the bathroom. I hated this. Mostly because it was inconvenient, but also because it reiterate in my mind that I was handicapped and I hated that. So I had a bit of a sour attitude that night and called my mother crying. She tried to calm me down but got more anxious herself in the midst. We got off the phone and 5 seconds later my coach Carrie called. Poor Carrie had hear my mother in the other room dealing with “Impatient/Anxious Amy” and called to talk me down. After venting to her and feeling AWFUL for whining, she said to me, “Ok, here’s what we’re going to do then…you’re going to get through tonight and sleep well so that when tomorrow comes you’ll be ready to have a great yummy lunch with me and we’ll spend a good amount of time working on your notebook, making signs for your room and we’ll get you ready with goals for the week. And yes, it might be hard and you can tell me it really sucks and is WAY hard, but we’re going to do it and it’ll be ok. You’ll be ok. Sound like a plan?” “Ok” I said, sniffling back tears. She was right and I needed that more than ever.

The reality I’m coming to in all of this is that 95% of the time, the problem isn’t me…. it’s my belief that I can’t handle whatever is happening. So the turning point in harnessing more of my patient side is repeating the truth to myself that I CAN HANDLE THIS.

I could list a dozen things that I need to write down and remember, just for the sheer fact of reminding myself that not everything I believe in life might be true, especially if I believe it’s a crisis…because usually it’s not. Life happens and shit happens. Either way, I can handle it. I can be brave and keep moving ahead.

Patience is challenging…but impatience really robs me of the ability to show gratitude, and that’s something I can’t lose. Gratitude is the epitome of this beating heart that got a second chance.

Be Patient Dammit! Be Brave.