Be Real....Because it's Time

I just spent the last 2 hours in my bedroom floor sobbing. We’re talking literally downpour of tears. I realized I’m 5 days away from an Ironman triathlon. 5 days away from taking on a race that both excites me and scares the shit out of me. I have a plethora of emotions that I’ve stuffed down away for months and months and months. Apparently it was time to let it all out. And it’s time to come out of the shadows.

Life literally changed for me in Ironman Arizona last November, 2014. That’s not a secret for anyone. Coming back to Ohio before Christmas brought with it a life I didn’t recognize. I wasn’t the athlete I remembered being. I was now a semi handicapped, part-time employee and I couldn’t do anything more than that for a while.  My heart really wanted to have everything go back to the way it was before but everything had changed. My body had to heal, my BRAIN had to heal. I was still slow on processing and remembering things. I got tired easily. I didn’t recognize myself and it was hard.

Despite all of this I was alive and I indeed was and am grateful for that truth. The immense amount of emergency, hospital and follow up bills would make me break out in a heavy sweat every time the mail arrived. My bills totalled tens of thousands of dollars. It overwhelmed me to the point my awesome Dad stepped in to help me because I felt unable to manage the stress. Having insurance helped beyond belief. The Go Fund Me account that was started after my accident was the ONLY thing that kept me going financially and helped me not have to move home to my high school bedroom and sell everything. I’m beyond grateful for the love that was poured out selflessly during the darkest times for myself and my family.

So in the midst of all of this it hit me…..severe depression and deep sadness. And I didn’t cope well. It was winter in Ohio (which is always challenging for me) and some relationships I had cherished changed in the same week I totaled my 2006 Honda CR-V. I didn’t share with others because I didn’t want to act as though I was ungrateful for all that had been done for me and given to me. So I suffered in silence….for months. I put on a happy face when I needed to do that, I put myself out there in relationships and tried to be as “real” as I could in my job and other areas. I took risks of which I am proud, starting my own coaching company, Pure Bravery Multisport, and my own health/wellness business, Arbonne International. I wanted both of these badly and I tried to really push myself to believe I was capably of these things, even if the negativity and fears roared on.

When you have strong emotions and you don’t honor them, and let them be heard, they don’t leave you alone. You try to get rid of them or stuff them down with bad habits that might have worked in the past but aren’t authentic and don’t really show yourself the love you deserve. That was my reality for all of this year. I won’t go into specifics because it’s really not important. The important thing here is that I used my ‘drug of choice” to manage my feelings instead of just being real. I used my fear to mask my reality that was this: I was beyond ready for that race and in one moment I lost a lot... for better or for worse it changed everything. I was grateful for being alive and beyond sad for so many reasons I couldn’t name. And I drown my sadness and sorrow in poor choices.

As time went on I began to feel like a complete fraud, which led to more hiding and more disappointment in myself. None of this was apparent because I kept of the game at work, with my athletes and with my friends. Inside I felt awful….I’m a talented therapist making poor choices while always pushing my clients to truth and authenticity. I'm a good coach who challenges and works with her athletes to help them be brave and yet bravery is something I kept struggling to maintain. The negativity poured on…..”How can you call yourself a coach with a name of Pure Bravery when you can’t even walk the walk of total bravery everyday? You shouldn’t ever have fear. How can you sit there hour after hour with clients and expect them to listen to you when you don’t have your own life together? How will you ever be able to build your Arbonne business when you’re afraid of rejection? Nobody will accept this.” That little internal saboteur we all have can be such an ass.

When all of this was going on during the winter, spring and into the summer there was also Ironman Chattanooga. Everyone was doing it and honestly I signed up before IMAZ last year so I was committed. The energy around this race, for everyone else, seemed to strong, kind of like what I had for IMAZ. I went back and forth for months on doing IMCHOO or not. My parents didn’t want me to race...I wasn’t sure if I should either. My confidence was shot. My passion for racing had changed mostly because I repeatedly sabotaged my racing goals with bad habits over the year. I was heavier than I usually am to race, I had slept in missing swim workouts or spin workouts or run meetups and that’s NOT ME.  I wore my own coach out with ongoing dialogue, changing my mind back and forth, emails about my fears and insecurities and I wouldn’t have blamed her if she wanted to fire ME. But she put it all back in my lap and wouldn't choose for me, I had to make my own choices, even if felt paralyzed to make a decision. So I trained on, and eventually my spark began to show again. I give this credit to everyone to continually believed in me and to my athletes who continually inspired me to do better and kept trusting me with their own dreams.

Most of the Ironman training this year has been not so much physical training but mental training. I have this ongoing challenging stream of thoughts I continually try to smash down. I focus on the reality that I'm out there and doing this, even if I'm not in the best shape or even the athlete I remember. I’m modeling endurance and (hopefully) bravery to my athletes to move forward even at a snail’s pace. I take ownership of all the choices, good and bad, I’ve made this year leading up to this point.  I'm not perfect at doing any of this by far, but I'm making steps forward no matter what.

My mother insisted that I get life insurance before this race. At this point I’ll do whatever my mother wants to help her feel less anxiety this weekend. My parents will be there and I want them to see me cross a finish line. Hell, I want to see myself cross that finish line. I well up with tears as I write this because a year ago I would have been able to boast about my amazing training over the past year and the outstanding time and pace goals I know I can hit in this Ironman...blah, blah blah….but I can’t do that this time and maybe that’s ok. My goals this time around are things like:

-Race MY race; not anyone else’s

-Have constant joy,

-Thank all the volunteers

-Encouraging others every 10 miles on the bike; every 1 mile on the run

-Remember someone different every 10 miles on the bike; every 1 mile on the run….feel them with you. They’re there. They’re tracking you online and send them love!

-Blow your parents kisses after they see you get off the bike...alive.

-Laugh continually, at every sign you see

-Stop on the bike if someone crashes severely. People have done that for you.

-Look for the spectators you know (your athletes, your MIT pals, your Base Salt peeps, your Just Tri peeps and Coach) and make sure you tell them you love them.

-Take it in when you cross that finish line, roll across it for Jon Blais. Roll across it for everyone who can’t.

-Let the tears come when you get that medal….and be proud of yourself. No matter what.

This race will be a gift….to get to do this with a TON of fellow Columbus peeps, with new friends I’ve met, with 2 of my own athletes.

Going to embrace the gift. Authentically. Raw and real...with bravery.

Be Real. Really real. Seriously. Be Brave.