Be Loved (because you are)

In the flick “Wild,” the main character played by Reese Witherspoon stops every couple of 100 miles or so to refuel her bag, take a break and receive any packages she was supposed to receive during her journey. Once she received a care package from her ex-husband and enjoyed his personal note, while breathing in the scent of clean, new clothes. At another stop she rejoiced at having new hiking shoes….ones that actually fit her feet instead of causing pain.

Seeing these scenes made me smile. I know exactly what receiving packages in the mail can emotionally evoke. During my stay in Arizona while recovering from the bike crash, I was blessed with many deliveries. Getting an Edible Arrangement meant real food……..good food. Not to slam hospital cafeterias, but it is what it is. Getting food and things from my roommate helped a lot….I could actually try to pay bills on time. Phew! When my friend Ann arrived in town to be with me she brought cards that had been passed on to her to deliver from friends and churches I once served. THAT was pretty amazing. Made me feel connected and reminded me that I hadn’t been forgotten.

The VERY FIRST care package I received will be something I’ll never forget. It came to my parent’s home in AZ almost a couple of days after my accident. This is when I was under lots of drugs in the hospital and going back and forth between extreme sadness about my bad luck in the race AND anger that nobody was giving me my phone back…..yet. In any case, my parents brought in parts of the package, which was amazingly packed and shipped by my amazing friend Mikaila Burns. Mikaila literally hit the bullseye with this package and I literally cried when I received these goodies.

A few of the items Mikaila had sent me:

-face wipes (perfect…...so helpful!)

-feminine fun products (helpful beyond measure……)

-a new water bottle (YES!!! I had lost my water bottles in the crash and had nothing in the hospital…..I needed this!)

-comfy slippers (OMG, saved my life in the hospital...the little things they issued to me were really hard to walk on)

-new thick socks (literally wrapped me up in love and I needed that)

-hand sanitizer (totally necessary…….so glad she shipped this!)

-shampoo/conditioner, razors (because they stuff they give you in the hospital is pretty mediocre…..felt like a new woman after being able use this!)

-the most amazing stuffed animal…...my lamb! (can’t express enough gratitude for this….I needed something to cuddle, something to lean my broken right side on at night...it helped me not feel alone, strange or not!)

When I was discharged and actually got home to my parent’s place from the hospital, I really went through the box Mikaila sent and it touched me beyond belief. Mikaila jumped on the chance to do this and was literally the first thing I received in the hospital which made my life easier…..that and it helped feeling loved, connected and remembered. During the first week I remember being so afraid of being forgotten and alone…..rationally I understand and look back and know that’s 100% wrong...there was a lot going on that I wasn’t aware of at the moment. That being said, this package gave me peace and comfort during a time when I really needed it….a time when nothing in my world made sense to me and the grief of my new reality was too much to bear at times.

Being loved is powerful. Having mail and Edible Arrangements can turn my frown right side up. And trust me, whenever you have a tragedy and have to spend time in a hospital….broken and bruised…..have a good enough friend that will bring you a stuffed animal. Cuddling a stuffed animal helps, especially when you feel really crummy. 100%.

Be Loved (because you are). Be Brave.

Be Flashing Back

A week or so ago, I had the fortunate opportunity to see the current flick “Wild” starring Reese Witherspoon with a good friend. This awesome pal had also bought me the book, written by Cheryl Strayed, who is the character played by Witherspoon in the movie. It was a powerful story and I went into it thinking I’d probably would be able to relate to much in the film as much of the story is based on a “be brave” mindset.  Strayed is trying in many ways to reclaim her own life after a series of challenges and choices she made in life which left her in some difficult places. She took on a BIG journey and grew significantly during the LONG journey up the 1100 miles of the Pacific Crest Trail. She struggles, falls, injures herself, gets cold, tired, scared...but sometimes she rejoices, howls with the animals, meets other hikers, gets packages with helpful clothes, finds water and simply laughs. Cool story in lots of ways.

Pretty good movie :) Go see it!

During the movie, one of the things that Witherspoon (uh, really Strayed) does repeatedly is flashback to some challenging times in her life. She goes back to her mother dying, her divorce, her suspected pregnancy, her numerous affairs, drug use and indiscretions. The flash backs reminded me of how powerful flashbacks can be….they can remind us significantly of our most painful times but can also help us remember things we never thought had created our current situation.

For me, I’ve been having some “flashbacks” to my times in the month I was in Arizona. I’m remembering a LOT of things that had somehow stayed quiet in my psyche until this time. Even more so, I’m remembering things that I NEVER thought were significant….and the realization I'm having is that they were MAJOR events. They are big things and I’m grateful for remembering them. In no particular order…...just a few to share:

-My neurosurgeon visited me everyday I was in the ICU during my first week and I when I needed to see him towards the end of my stay in AZ to get his approval to fly home, I honestly never remembering seeing his face. On the first night of my stay, he told my family there was a 50% chance of me making it through the night. Once I did, he asked me what a “pen” was and who the President of the US was and where I lived. I couldn’t answer anything. He did tell me I asked about my brother Chris and my coach Carrie, which to him was good news. Something in me had remembered seeing them in the ER even though I honestly can’t remember that in the least. This neurosurgeon saw me everyday in the hospital and even though I don’t ever remember seeing him, I’m grateful for that attentiveness to my need and for his approval to come home.

-I don’t remember it, but I had multiple friends in AZ, some I met while waiting in line to sign up for IMAZ last year and another one who I had just met a month prior, who came to sit with my parents in the ER and help them with any medical questions they had in order to help them. My sweet friends Jamie and Tom brought me clothes (I had only packed for 1 week) and hugs; my friend Terra is an RN and came to help answer questions for my parents. This is beyond loving. And it was a big deal for someone to help my parents when I had JUST met Terra a month ago.

My 2 week home: Scottsdale Healthcare, Osborn Location

Me, Jamie and Tom at the pre-race swim practice. Both finished their IM's in amazing time!

-I’m grateful for all the friends that put up with my craziness when I finally received my phone back during my first week in the hospital. I was obviously on so many drugs and was emotionally sad about not finishing the Ironman, so I can honestly say I don’t remember who I talked to or texted at times. These folks have reminded me that I did and I'm grateful that many of them were able to be gentle with me during that time and say “This isn’t Amy.” Since they’ve revealed I contacted them I can remember a few of them…..just a few. In the moments where I felt incredibly sad and lonely, everyone who put up with with my randomness is to be commended!

-I can remember now how many nurses and physical therapists put up with me and my anger, sadness, confusion and fear during my stay in the hospital. They put up with my demandingness for my phone back, my pain while taking a shower, my grumbling about taking medications and my anger about “wanting to be discharged and why wasn’t that happening sooner.” Once on the rehab floor I was initially grumpy and didn’t hide it as well as I should have done. A day later one of the nurses took me downstairs to the cafe for a real cup of Starbucks coffee and then she bought it for me. Another nurse let me get on her computer in the nurses station so I could surf the internet in company and not alone. These nurses put up with a LOT from me...and I'm glad I remember their kindness and support.

-My coach Carrie came back to see me when I thought she had left for good and wasn’t thinking about me anymore. My wonky mind really led me to believe I was alone. Of course that was silly, but that’s what I thought was happening and I remember now that I thought when she walked in the room of my hospital room that she was going to regret coming back to be with me. I wasn’t feeling or behaving or eating normally and this was going to be a big order for her to fill. I remember how Carrie would let me vent to her about how much “being in the hospital forever sucked” but then she’d give me a plan of attack and tell me I wasn’t alone. This meant more than I realized at the time. She brought food to me and ate with me in the room while helping me make a journal to write down things so I wouldn’t forget them. She made me posters of inspiration for my room. It was a meaningful visit for me and I knew this at the time but have come to realize just HOW meaningful it was.

-When Ann came in to visit me the next weekend, she shocked me and I again worried that she would regret her arrival once she saw how emotional I was being and how hard things were for me. I had an ongoing struggle between being grateful for being alive AND deeply saddened that my dream had left me and life was now different. She came in as a loving friend and also took on an amazing roll as my Ironpal and helpful medical professional. Having her here for my discharge meetings turned out to be like gold and I realized in the last couple of weeks how I wouldn’t have been able to stay in AZ as little as I did without her help, her typing of a firm discharge plan and her consultation with my discharge nurse. She put up with me AND helped me immensely. Without her love and help I couldn’t have been as efficient about follow up appointments and would probably still be in AZ.

IronAnn :)

-Alec, my discharge nurse, had raced in the same Ironman I had been injured in 2 weeks prior and finished his race incredibly. Alec was helpful in removing my stitches, giving my meds and helping me and Ann understand my discharge plan. I hated him for only allowing me to “walk” for a little bit on my discharge. Mr “I just finished an Ironman” would only let me walk? Ugh! The more I remember of that interaction, the more I realize how Alec was overly loving of every instruction he gave me. It was really hard not to like Alec, so even with a bit of anger at the start of his instructions, it fell away quickly. He would still empathize with me as a follow Ironman and I’m grateful for all his help in getting Ann the info she needed to help me. Alec recommended the film “Crash Reel” which I still need to see.

Remembering things is powerful stuff and I’m BEYOND grateful that my brain is recovering well and able to remember things that happened during some challenging weeks of my stay in AZ and help me understand how powerful they were and are to my current state of living. I’m still told things that happened by family and friends that I don’t remember, but luckily there are many things I am remembering and it’s another reason to be grateful for being alive….and grateful for those who helped me, my family, and my heart begin to heal.

Be Flashing Back. Be Brave.

Be Back in Cbus

It’s been exactly one week since I arrived back in Ohio from my month long stay in Arizona. It’s been a FULL week, both on the plus and negative side. Initial plusses? Getting to see so many AWESOME and supportive friends. Initial negatives? It’s cold in Ohio. See everyone? Amy didn’t lose her cold weather negativity in the accident! Ha!

Ok, so back to a quick recap of the week….complete with things I’ve learned, struggled with, etc. The flight back wasn’t all that bad. The turbulence didn’t hurt my ribs that much and the air pressure wasn’t an issue for my right ear which has struggled with various hearing issues. This is obviously good news since it indicated to me that I probably didn’t hurt my eardrum as I had previously thought. Getting home and settling in was nice….I slept like a rock that first night and spent much of Saturday doing laundry, baking cookies with my awesome friend Ann, grocery shopping and getting a bit more acquainted with a few good friends. It was good. Really good.

Sunday was going to be an exciting day. After another good sleep, I woke up late again and got ready to make a small appearance at the charity bike event that my awesome friends Wes and Marie were doing to help fund my charity support account. It was literally moving to see and to have organized on my behalf. I was beyond excited that I was able to be there to witness everyone jumping in to help and beyond that….almost 40 people attended, plus a guy from 10TV News asked for an interview. I’m still stunned as I think of it...along the way of this entire ordeal there’s always been a small part of me that silently spoke, “I had NO idea I could be loved this much.” It’s true. Sometimes it still pops into my head. I’m grateful and thankful.

I didn’t stay long at the charity bike event. One of the things I’ve noticed in the past week is that I have a tendency to be a bit fatigued during the day. I'm not sure if that’s some sort of neurology issue that’s remaining around or if it’s just adjusting to being back home, but either way I can feel it and it frustrates me. I try to pay attention to what I need though, so that’s good.

Monday started with my appointment to see Joe Simko, my trusty physical therapy guru at Max Sports. Joe had ironically messaged me to see how I was doing on the day of the Ironman in November. After I had the ability, I had written him back and told him of my accident, that I needed to schedule PT with him upon my return and Joe was great enough to get me in immediately. After the first time we went through some stretching and movements, Joe was pleased with my range of motion and the gains I’d gotten over the past month. With consistent work he felt good that I’d be back in the pool and in a good workout rhythm again by mid January or late January at the latest. GOOD NEWS!

As the week went on, I had various meetings with colleagues from my counseling practice to discuss my return to work at the end of the month. It was agreed and supported that it will be on a part time basis for a while and that’s a good thing. I’m grateful for their ongoing support of my needs and my recovery. It will be good to see everyone else again soon.

Pain has come and gone at various times in my shoulder. It’s very annoying and frustrating for me. I find myself hating the fact that things I used to do so easily are challenging if I don’t slow down and be gentle on myself. One day this week I had a emotionally challenging day mostly due to the MANY things that happened which I personally didn’t take well. My brain at times can be working faster than my speech which causes me to stutter or say words that aren’t right. That happened on this particular day with a check out woman at the grocery store. That afternoon I hurt my shoulder taking off my sports bra too quickly, something I used to do ALL THE TIME without pain. Later that day I spoke to my mother who had come home to her place in Michigan to a broken refrigerator freezer and spoiled food. My mind immediately started the guilt train: “If they hadn’t been with your sorry ass for the past month they would have come home and caught this refrigerator before it cost them an arm and a leg.” Yep, it was a rough day.

And I’m rational person….I know rationally that a lot of this stuff is just emotions that are running around my heart and head, but they aren’t exactly the truth. I know I won’t always stutter or say wrong words. I won’t always be tired in the middle of the time. I won’t always have to only work part time. I won’t always hurt taking off a sports bra. I’m not a jerk because my parents stayed extra weeks with me in Arizona. This is all part of the process of recovery, acclimation to life back in Ohio, and learning to remember that some of the stuff I'm struggling with is just temporary stuff. It will change with time and being patient (which isn’t usually my best attribute) will have to be important. It’s all going to be ok. Seriously. It really will.

Honestly, I have to remember to remind myself that the good outweighs the bad, even if it doesn’t always feel like that. I’ve gotten to ease back into exercise this past week. I’ve gotten to meet with my friend Maggie who I had missed officiating her wedding on December 6 and learned all about the day of her dreams! I got a beautiful Christmas card this week where someone actually addressed it to “Amy BrAvery” which made my day. Bravery….get it? That’s MY motto!  The ENT doctor I saw this week had heard about my accident from mutual triathlete friends and helped me with working on my right ear, complete with the assurance that I’d not only have 100% hearing again but I’d ride again. I framed my IMAZ poster complete with my swim cap and race bib for memories.

Everyday is up and down and the challenges come and go. Some make me feel like I’m physically handicapped and mentally fogged, other times I can be a bit more patient with myself and understand that each step forward is a claim back on the life I almost lost. So truthfully, it’s always worth it.

So watch out Columbus peeps…..I’ll be stalking most of you VERY soon to connect. And don’t avoid hugs….I can handle being touched a LOT better now that the ribs are healing!

Be Back in Cbus. Be Brave.

Be Straddlin' the Middle

In the time that I’ve been spending away from the hospital and at “home” with my parents, I’ve been having a LOT of appointments. And emotions. And thoughts. And fears. So I guess the biggest news is I’ve had a lot of time for processes to be “happening” all the time.

This past week was pretty amazing because it was the mix of my final speech pathology and physical therapy appointments AND my meeting with my neurosurgeon and my pain rehab doctor from my stay in the hospital. These individuals held the keys to my ultimate freedom and could say if I was healthy enough to fly home, drive again, and even start to venture back into the workplace. Thankfully all were approved with high praise. It was pretty amazing to be able to hear their “surprised” reactions about how I was presenting to them versus my difficulty in the hospital. My neurosurgeon was pleased with my recent cat scan and mentioned how I went from not even knowing what a pen was to being clear and cognitively “whole.” My pain doctor was pleased with my speech cognitions and my driving test, while also praising my progress in pain management.  All in all, I know there have been big changes and all along the way I recognize how lucky I am to be alive….and functioning.

The weirdest part of this journey has been the “in between” feeling I have almost “most” of the time. I have this strange feeling of overwhelming gratitude AND grief. The gratitude rest mostly in the recognition and reality that I have the most AMAZING support circle around me, both near and far. I never, EVER thought for a moment that I could be loved as much as I am loved. I have had people from almost every area of my life step up to encourage, support, give and laugh. It has blown me away and left me mostly speechless. Again, it leaves me with pure gratitude.

However, the grieving part is strong at times also. Frankly, this wasn’t how I planned or wanted to be spending the final weeks of my 2014. I had worked for over a year to be ready for the Ironman, and I was ready. I had planned to cross that finish line with a personal record finish time, roll across the finish line to remember Jon Blais and the bib number I had while getting my medal given to me by my coach who was there to cheer me on, along with my family. I was planning to relish the moment and celebrate all December long. I wanted to wear my fun new black dress to the wedding I was going to officiate last weekend of my dear friends Maggie and Justin, all while wearing my Ironman “Finisher” jacket. I had dreamt this finish up for many, many months. And it wasn’t happening.

So the reality is that both exist….AND that’s ok. I still have 7 fractured ribs that are healing and still hurt me when I “try” to jog. I have a brain “bruise” on my lobe that probably won’t go away. I have a fracture in my skull that is still healing. I have 10 stitches along my clavicle scar that will probably stay there for the rest of my life. All of this is true…..AND, I’m alive. Damn right, I’m alive. I have over 300 friends who have contributed to a fund to help me with my immense hospital bills. I have over 25 friends who are doing a charity bike spin ride for me this Sunday in Columbus. I have friends who have sent packages to cheer my spirits and cards to share their thoughtfulness. I have had 2 friends fly to AZ to spend time with me and help me navigate my grief/doctor appointments. I have had local AZ friends reach out to me repeatedly, give me gifts of food/clothes (since I only packed for a week), meet me for lunches, and help my parents with any questions they had regarding my care. I’ve had daily conversations with someone special who builds me up. I’ve had my counseling practice colleagues support my well being and recovery.

So yeah, it’s not the end of the year I wanted, dreamt of or planned. It’s not the Ironman finished I wanted, dreamt of or planned. But it’s more. It’s a chance for me to really feel unconditional love, support and camaraderie. It’s a chance for me to lean on my friends, family and even strangers for more proof that life is worth living and it’s worth giving to others who need the strength. It’s a chance for me to recognize that my body and mind have the ability to regain composure and will work FOR me if I'm gentle.  It’s a chance to recognize that I will race again…..and I will cross the finish line again…..many times over. IronAmy lives…...and will continue to fight. It’s going to be ok.

Be Straddlin’ the Middle. Be Brave. pure brAvery.

Be Grateful for Strangers

Monday morning, December 1, 2014…..the start of a brand new month. I woke up missing Ann’s presence around the home and went quickly to doing the work I knew I had to do right away: scheduling appointments. I had to call numerous places and schedule speech pathology appointments, a neurosurgeon follow up appointment (in order to get “permission” to fly back to Ohio), and a follow up appointment with my orthopedic surgeon to get my broken clavicle checked and rechecked. Looking back it took me about 2-2.5 hours to make all the necessary appointments, but it was my BIG job….my MAIN job….my SOLE agenda. I started making all the needed appointments and ended with the most important ones….I needed to meet with the people who would give me the “thumbs up” to go home.

After all the appointments were made, I felt a mixture of both relief and frustration. Relief that all the appointments were set and yet frustration that this was becoming my life, one doctor’s visit after another.  At the same time all of this happening in my own time frame is certainly my choice AND I actually also have little control over how my body responds to the therapy I have to do or the decisions my doctors make about my future. My hope is that I’d only need to be doing this outpatient recovery work for about a week or so and then be allowed to return to Ohio, but that could always change…..life changes ALL the time.

In the past week I’ve had a few successful appointments. I’ve passed a drivers’ test and completed some good speech therapy sessions. I’ve had another CT scan in preparation for a meeting next week AND I’ve met with my orthopedic doctor and had good evaluations. It’s been good to improve, albeit way slower than I’d prefer. But that’s ok. Patience is one of the official lessons of my life…….

This week I’ve had the chance to connect with 2 specific individuals whom I was told were actually WITH me when and after I had my bike accident. This has been remarkable because I literally remember nothing of the incident and yet these 2 individuals, both RN’s, were with me when I was the closest towards death that I’ve been told. I’ve heard also from another individual who emailed my younger brother the exact details of watching me go down and then watching the ambulance race up to get me.  Many individuals raced past me as I lied in the side of the road, but these a few individuals actually stopped…...it’s mindblowing.

Bill and Tina are folks who didn’t know who I was at all….they had both done IM’s before, like I had, and for some reason the whole “personal time on the bike” thing didn’t matter when I was lying there. When I spoke with Tina she saw me go down and literally got off her bike and went across the road to be with me. She shared with me some chilling stories of what actually happened to me. When she reached me, Bill joined her, who also go off his bike. I had made the turn around for the first loop and was heading downhill with wind and was flown off my bike and hit my head first (helmet saved my life) and then hit my right side while being dragged for a few feet and then stopping. Tina and Bill unclipped my remaining foot from my bike clip and saw my clavicle sticking out of my chest, noticed I was bleeding a bit from my head, was drooling and sweating all over every part of my body. Both held my head while also radioing for the Ironman crew to bring an ambulance to my side, which arrived in about 5-7 minutes. Tina and Bill both then jumped back on their bikes and went ahead, both finishing Ironman Arizona with amazing spirits.

I spoke to Bill earlier this week too. Both he and Tina were so grateful to hear that I was alive and doing well. Bill mentioned to me, “Yeah, I'm not trying to make it to Kona or anything so a few minutes lost on my bike to make sure you were ok, was NO problem!” Tina made a similar comment...she completely reassured me that her bike time compared to my life was no match.

Wow. Seriously? In the midst of this challenging and most life-threatening time in my life, complete strangers, in the middle of their own personal race stopped to attend to ME. The truth of this reality keeps hitting me…..I’m alive. I’m ALIVE.

I didn’t realize I was that lucky. I didn't realize my family and friends suffered that much worry and fear. I’m overwhelmingly grateful for all my fellow IMAZ athletes who attended to me when I was near death and the Ironman staff who attended to my family and parents in the hospital when I was initially brought into the emergency room.  It was a scary day.

Lucky girl….that’s for damn sure. No more wandering through life without being grateful for each day I can wake up and train for my next race……..IMAZ...it’ll happen again someday :)

Be Grateful For Strangers. Be Brave.

Be Rehabin': IMAZ Part 4

I had been in the hospital for almost an entire week when the news of “what would happen next” came up in conversation with doctors, my parents and myself. The doctors felt it was important to continue my recovery in the rehab unit of the hospital, mostly because I wasn’t able for my stitches to be removed yet AND the reality that the swelling on my brain had to stabilize and go down before I could be approved for flying back to Ohio, driving AND working.  I struggled with this news for so many reasons...mostly revolving around the belief that I needed to be home, not only for work and income purposes, but also because the longer I stayed in treatment, away from friends and isolated, the lonliner I became and the “worse” I felt I had failed this IM.  Despite my beliefs to do otherwise it wasn’t smart to get on a plane when I could have the dangerous reality of needing immediate medical help and increasing my likely of risking my life. So the next day I was scheduled to head to the 4th floor, the rehab floor….for how long? Who knew! Crap!

Later on that afternoon my door opened and shockingly enough my coach Carrie walked into the hospital room. I was literally stunned to have her there. I felt completely and totally vulnerable and weak, so having anyone come into that room (or on the phone) remind me of their love for me and their belief in my abilities….it was (and is) priceless. Carrie came in and informed me that she was there to support me for the next few days AND help me create plans and options for positivity, bravery, faith and courage. My parents came in a bit after Carrie and they left that night together as in a few hours I was discharged to the 4th floor. I felt determined that my stay in rehab would be MINIMUM.

That night as I stayed in rehab there were a whole bunch of new rules that left me feeling abandoned. I couldn’t get out of my bed without permission and couldn’t do anything without asking a nurse first (even though I felt very capable of doing it all). “That’s it.” I thought. “I’m out of here ASAP.” After crying that night a bit and talking to my parents and Carrie, I decided to embrace the reality of my life and see how the next day went.

The next morning I was instructed and taught about showering and doing PT work and speech work all in the morning before Carrie and my parents arrived. It was a lot of work and I felt completely competent in doing it even though I hurt (ribs/clavicle) doing it all. Carrie came in and had lunch with me while we talked a bit about how I am STILL racing IMAZ, even though I’m in the hospital. That was a big, helpful adjustment for me…as my whole life had been working towards finishing this race WELL. We created a journal of good eating habits, good mental thoughts to carry along, questions I had for the doctors in the next days and a calendar of checking off days I was in the hospital. On the whole I began to remember that I need to remember my work on this "IMAZ race" and my continuing to the finish. Finishing this race means doing everything I can to set myself up for possibilities next year. One day this accident would be a “blip” on my radar.

Carrie stayed with me for the day and then came with my parents the next morning before going to the airport and flying back to Ohio. When she left it was pretty much decided that I would be in rehab throughout the rest of the week, which meant staying there through Thanksgiving. It was a hard reality to swallow. The night before Thanksgiving my parents went back home and I cried to myself, so sad for missing being “home” and being “in the hospital” on a holiday. I was missing the Flying Feather or my annual Just Tri run and Thanksgiving at home.

My parents came and visited me on Thanksgiving and we had lunch together while I worked on some of my extra speech therapy homework as well….all my efforts were in an effort to put out “big” realities so I could be easily discharged on Friday. My AZ sweet friend Jamie brought me sweet goodies for Thanksgiving AND a sweet new fun wine glass I"m excited to use soon! 

On Friday there was a meeting that would determine how I would proceed with treatment...either staying in AZ until I cleared enough therapy outside the hospital to be released OR if I could be released ASAP. My biggest fear was that I’d be “stuck” in AZ for the rest of the month….and it felt again like a prison, when all I wanted was to go home.  

About an hour before the meeting was scheduled, my door opened again and my dearest friend Ann came walking in, followed by my older brother! This was ANOTHER major surprise. I had no clue Ann, who is as busy as anyone I know, would come on a plane for the weekend to be with me. It was literally shocking and still moves me when I think about it today. Ann stuck around that morning for our meeting with doctors and helped me understand the discharge plan. I was told I could leave the hospital but would need to have a few regular speech therapy sessions, a driving instruction test, a follow up with a neurosurgeon (to give me the permission to fly) and my rehab doctor (to give me permission to work/drive). This would mean another 1.5 weeks in AZ. It felt punishing, as all I wanted was to get out ASAP. But again, it’s the treatment I needed in order to stay healthy and strong, so with time and perspective from my family and Ann, it settled in a bit easier.

After discharge Ann came home with me and my parents and stayed the weekend with us which was super helpful. It was nice just to have someone to lay by the pool with, eat with and be my weak/vulnerable self with…..beyond that Ann’s knowledge of the medical field helped me immensely as she put together some help sheets for me to be able to understand what I needed to do for med management and for calling doctors the next week to schedule appointments, making sure I got them all scheduled before wanting to leave AZ. Ann brought with her yummy food that I had missed AND cards from so many people who had sent her cards to bring to me.

It was amazing….a big theme for me life during this tragedy has been to really close my eyes, take a deep breath, and feel myself being loved and supported. I never really thought I had this or deserved this kind of care...and it’s been there the entire time...it’s literally the force that keeps me moving forward, and I’m beyond grateful for every person in my corner.

The day after Ann left would mean I start making all the appointments I needed to make in the next 1.5 weeks before I could commit to leaving AZ and get back to OH. I woke up missing her company a lot!

Be Rehabin’. Be Brave.

Be Lucky: IMAZ Part 3

I woke up about 1.5-2 days after passing out on the side of the Beeline Rd.

Upon waking up, I remember being confused and uncertain what to think about where I was and how I felt. My parents were in the room and I was technically in the ICU area of the Scottsdale Hospital. My parents started to give me the low-down on what had happened…..

When my parents and brothers arrived at the hospital, there was discussion with them from the doctors about what had happened. I had fallen off the right side of my bike, fractured about 7 ribs and broke/fractured my right clavicle. I had hit my head on the ground and cracked my beautiful aero helmet and caused my brain to bounce off the left side of my head and cause some internal bleeding. Initially the doctors had told my parents that if the swelling didn’t go down in reasonable time, they would be doing brain surgery before anything else. Thankfully that wasn’t how my body responded and the swelling did go down a bit during the day of Nov 16. I can’t believe I was that close to brain surgery, or even having my family “lose” me for that matter. Once Nov 17 arrived, Monday, the orthopedic doctor on staff fixed my clavicle by inserting a small piece to arrange the healing to occur and gave me 10 black stitches.  

Learning all of this was step 1. After this was just sitting with it all and recognizing how many hands and hearts had helped in making things transition out of my control. My brothers and Carrie had gotten my transition bags for me and gave them to my parents. Carrie took my bike back to Tri Bike Transport for it to be taken back to Ohio. Carrie returned my rental car and checked out of the hotel before leaving to go back to Ohio on Monday. All had been taken care of, which relieved me.  Laying there in the hospital gown, I realized my race outfit had literally been cut off of me, which devastated me. That outfit was something I wore in every IM I could, and it was removed quickly. My Just Tri jersey was covered in blood and gone.

My younger brother had left to go back to DC but before leaving, he and Carrie and my other good friend Ann started being a voice to others who were wondering what the hell was going on with me...and for that I'm beyond grateful. This wasn’t the way I had hoped or wanted the day to end. I kept thinking about how expensive this was going to be. My flight home to Ohio, set for Nov 19 wasn’t going to happen.

I ended up staying in the ICU until Nov 21(ish) and then was transported upstairs to the 6th floor for a longer stay. I was in pain. My chest and back hurt from the breaks and fractures. At random times I could feel myself cognitively struggling and putting words together was challenging. I’ve been told that when others have TBI (traumatic brain injuries) that sometimes cognitive functioning can be affected more than realized.

When I moved up to the 6th floor I realized that Carrie, my brother Chris and Ann had actually started a fund online to help me with expenses related to my own living expenses and hospital bills. This blew me away. I’m still shocked and tearful when I think about it now. Reflecting on that as a recipient and then also reflecting on how others in my life have just generally given to me is mind blowing. I never EVER imagined such generosity...and the best part about this is that it totally goes against my biggest fear: not having enough money to pay bills. Once I learned this news I finally felt like I could work on getting better...whatever that meant. I knew it would tell my practice back in Ohio that I wouldn’t be back to work for a bit, and that’s been received with grace.

While in the ICU and 6th floor I was able to receive flowers by Judy Stowers, a IM worker who came by not only with a greeting from IM but also some nice IM shirts which I’m grateful for since that wasn’t a place in the IM area I could stop by ever again. My friend Mikaila sent me an amazing box of goodies which included a loving soft lamb...totally helpful. My dear friend Jamie, who met me by fate last year when we all signed up for IMAZ, stopped by with goodies and extra clothes for me. Jamie finished IMAZ in stellar time and was a bit sweetheart for making sure I was ok, bringing me a balloon AND a One Multisport (Scottsdale Tri Club) shirt that actually had my name on it!  She stopped by a second time with our other friend Tom, who also finished IMAZ in stellar time. Tom gifted me his IMAZ finisher medal for the time being….for me to hold and carry with me in order to continue finishing this “race” before I go back to Ohio. Will definitely get it back to him when I leave! What a guy :)

I wasn’t thrilled about what had happened and each day that went by I worried about what would come next, but at the same time I couldn’t change what had happened. Looking back on how I arrived into the hospital, I was lucky to be alive. Simply put.

Be Lucky. Be Brave.