Be Flashing Back

A week or so ago, I had the fortunate opportunity to see the current flick “Wild” starring Reese Witherspoon with a good friend. This awesome pal had also bought me the book, written by Cheryl Strayed, who is the character played by Witherspoon in the movie. It was a powerful story and I went into it thinking I’d probably would be able to relate to much in the film as much of the story is based on a “be brave” mindset.  Strayed is trying in many ways to reclaim her own life after a series of challenges and choices she made in life which left her in some difficult places. She took on a BIG journey and grew significantly during the LONG journey up the 1100 miles of the Pacific Crest Trail. She struggles, falls, injures herself, gets cold, tired, scared...but sometimes she rejoices, howls with the animals, meets other hikers, gets packages with helpful clothes, finds water and simply laughs. Cool story in lots of ways.

Pretty good movie :) Go see it!

During the movie, one of the things that Witherspoon (uh, really Strayed) does repeatedly is flashback to some challenging times in her life. She goes back to her mother dying, her divorce, her suspected pregnancy, her numerous affairs, drug use and indiscretions. The flash backs reminded me of how powerful flashbacks can be….they can remind us significantly of our most painful times but can also help us remember things we never thought had created our current situation.

For me, I’ve been having some “flashbacks” to my times in the month I was in Arizona. I’m remembering a LOT of things that had somehow stayed quiet in my psyche until this time. Even more so, I’m remembering things that I NEVER thought were significant….and the realization I'm having is that they were MAJOR events. They are big things and I’m grateful for remembering them. In no particular order…...just a few to share:

-My neurosurgeon visited me everyday I was in the ICU during my first week and I when I needed to see him towards the end of my stay in AZ to get his approval to fly home, I honestly never remembering seeing his face. On the first night of my stay, he told my family there was a 50% chance of me making it through the night. Once I did, he asked me what a “pen” was and who the President of the US was and where I lived. I couldn’t answer anything. He did tell me I asked about my brother Chris and my coach Carrie, which to him was good news. Something in me had remembered seeing them in the ER even though I honestly can’t remember that in the least. This neurosurgeon saw me everyday in the hospital and even though I don’t ever remember seeing him, I’m grateful for that attentiveness to my need and for his approval to come home.

-I don’t remember it, but I had multiple friends in AZ, some I met while waiting in line to sign up for IMAZ last year and another one who I had just met a month prior, who came to sit with my parents in the ER and help them with any medical questions they had in order to help them. My sweet friends Jamie and Tom brought me clothes (I had only packed for 1 week) and hugs; my friend Terra is an RN and came to help answer questions for my parents. This is beyond loving. And it was a big deal for someone to help my parents when I had JUST met Terra a month ago.

My 2 week home: Scottsdale Healthcare, Osborn Location

Me, Jamie and Tom at the pre-race swim practice. Both finished their IM's in amazing time!

-I’m grateful for all the friends that put up with my craziness when I finally received my phone back during my first week in the hospital. I was obviously on so many drugs and was emotionally sad about not finishing the Ironman, so I can honestly say I don’t remember who I talked to or texted at times. These folks have reminded me that I did and I'm grateful that many of them were able to be gentle with me during that time and say “This isn’t Amy.” Since they’ve revealed I contacted them I can remember a few of them…..just a few. In the moments where I felt incredibly sad and lonely, everyone who put up with with my randomness is to be commended!

-I can remember now how many nurses and physical therapists put up with me and my anger, sadness, confusion and fear during my stay in the hospital. They put up with my demandingness for my phone back, my pain while taking a shower, my grumbling about taking medications and my anger about “wanting to be discharged and why wasn’t that happening sooner.” Once on the rehab floor I was initially grumpy and didn’t hide it as well as I should have done. A day later one of the nurses took me downstairs to the cafe for a real cup of Starbucks coffee and then she bought it for me. Another nurse let me get on her computer in the nurses station so I could surf the internet in company and not alone. These nurses put up with a LOT from me...and I'm glad I remember their kindness and support.

-My coach Carrie came back to see me when I thought she had left for good and wasn’t thinking about me anymore. My wonky mind really led me to believe I was alone. Of course that was silly, but that’s what I thought was happening and I remember now that I thought when she walked in the room of my hospital room that she was going to regret coming back to be with me. I wasn’t feeling or behaving or eating normally and this was going to be a big order for her to fill. I remember how Carrie would let me vent to her about how much “being in the hospital forever sucked” but then she’d give me a plan of attack and tell me I wasn’t alone. This meant more than I realized at the time. She brought food to me and ate with me in the room while helping me make a journal to write down things so I wouldn’t forget them. She made me posters of inspiration for my room. It was a meaningful visit for me and I knew this at the time but have come to realize just HOW meaningful it was.

-When Ann came in to visit me the next weekend, she shocked me and I again worried that she would regret her arrival once she saw how emotional I was being and how hard things were for me. I had an ongoing struggle between being grateful for being alive AND deeply saddened that my dream had left me and life was now different. She came in as a loving friend and also took on an amazing roll as my Ironpal and helpful medical professional. Having her here for my discharge meetings turned out to be like gold and I realized in the last couple of weeks how I wouldn’t have been able to stay in AZ as little as I did without her help, her typing of a firm discharge plan and her consultation with my discharge nurse. She put up with me AND helped me immensely. Without her love and help I couldn’t have been as efficient about follow up appointments and would probably still be in AZ.

IronAnn :)

-Alec, my discharge nurse, had raced in the same Ironman I had been injured in 2 weeks prior and finished his race incredibly. Alec was helpful in removing my stitches, giving my meds and helping me and Ann understand my discharge plan. I hated him for only allowing me to “walk” for a little bit on my discharge. Mr “I just finished an Ironman” would only let me walk? Ugh! The more I remember of that interaction, the more I realize how Alec was overly loving of every instruction he gave me. It was really hard not to like Alec, so even with a bit of anger at the start of his instructions, it fell away quickly. He would still empathize with me as a follow Ironman and I’m grateful for all his help in getting Ann the info she needed to help me. Alec recommended the film “Crash Reel” which I still need to see.

Remembering things is powerful stuff and I’m BEYOND grateful that my brain is recovering well and able to remember things that happened during some challenging weeks of my stay in AZ and help me understand how powerful they were and are to my current state of living. I’m still told things that happened by family and friends that I don’t remember, but luckily there are many things I am remembering and it’s another reason to be grateful for being alive….and grateful for those who helped me, my family, and my heart begin to heal.

Be Flashing Back. Be Brave.