Be Straddlin' the Middle

In the time that I’ve been spending away from the hospital and at “home” with my parents, I’ve been having a LOT of appointments. And emotions. And thoughts. And fears. So I guess the biggest news is I’ve had a lot of time for processes to be “happening” all the time.

This past week was pretty amazing because it was the mix of my final speech pathology and physical therapy appointments AND my meeting with my neurosurgeon and my pain rehab doctor from my stay in the hospital. These individuals held the keys to my ultimate freedom and could say if I was healthy enough to fly home, drive again, and even start to venture back into the workplace. Thankfully all were approved with high praise. It was pretty amazing to be able to hear their “surprised” reactions about how I was presenting to them versus my difficulty in the hospital. My neurosurgeon was pleased with my recent cat scan and mentioned how I went from not even knowing what a pen was to being clear and cognitively “whole.” My pain doctor was pleased with my speech cognitions and my driving test, while also praising my progress in pain management.  All in all, I know there have been big changes and all along the way I recognize how lucky I am to be alive….and functioning.

The weirdest part of this journey has been the “in between” feeling I have almost “most” of the time. I have this strange feeling of overwhelming gratitude AND grief. The gratitude rest mostly in the recognition and reality that I have the most AMAZING support circle around me, both near and far. I never, EVER thought for a moment that I could be loved as much as I am loved. I have had people from almost every area of my life step up to encourage, support, give and laugh. It has blown me away and left me mostly speechless. Again, it leaves me with pure gratitude.

However, the grieving part is strong at times also. Frankly, this wasn’t how I planned or wanted to be spending the final weeks of my 2014. I had worked for over a year to be ready for the Ironman, and I was ready. I had planned to cross that finish line with a personal record finish time, roll across the finish line to remember Jon Blais and the bib number I had while getting my medal given to me by my coach who was there to cheer me on, along with my family. I was planning to relish the moment and celebrate all December long. I wanted to wear my fun new black dress to the wedding I was going to officiate last weekend of my dear friends Maggie and Justin, all while wearing my Ironman “Finisher” jacket. I had dreamt this finish up for many, many months. And it wasn’t happening.

So the reality is that both exist….AND that’s ok. I still have 7 fractured ribs that are healing and still hurt me when I “try” to jog. I have a brain “bruise” on my lobe that probably won’t go away. I have a fracture in my skull that is still healing. I have 10 stitches along my clavicle scar that will probably stay there for the rest of my life. All of this is true…..AND, I’m alive. Damn right, I’m alive. I have over 300 friends who have contributed to a fund to help me with my immense hospital bills. I have over 25 friends who are doing a charity bike spin ride for me this Sunday in Columbus. I have friends who have sent packages to cheer my spirits and cards to share their thoughtfulness. I have had 2 friends fly to AZ to spend time with me and help me navigate my grief/doctor appointments. I have had local AZ friends reach out to me repeatedly, give me gifts of food/clothes (since I only packed for a week), meet me for lunches, and help my parents with any questions they had regarding my care. I’ve had daily conversations with someone special who builds me up. I’ve had my counseling practice colleagues support my well being and recovery.

So yeah, it’s not the end of the year I wanted, dreamt of or planned. It’s not the Ironman finished I wanted, dreamt of or planned. But it’s more. It’s a chance for me to really feel unconditional love, support and camaraderie. It’s a chance for me to lean on my friends, family and even strangers for more proof that life is worth living and it’s worth giving to others who need the strength. It’s a chance for me to recognize that my body and mind have the ability to regain composure and will work FOR me if I'm gentle.  It’s a chance to recognize that I will race again…..and I will cross the finish line again…..many times over. IronAmy lives…...and will continue to fight. It’s going to be ok.

Be Straddlin’ the Middle. Be Brave. pure brAvery.