Be Taking a Big Leap

As an Arbonne Independent Consultant and wonder of my own Pure Bravery coaching company, I’m always working on self growth…..at times more intently than others. After I hit my second promotion within 7 months of beginning my business, I was told I needed to read “The Big Leap.” So I loaded it onto my Amazon Audible app on my phone and began listening a bit. Life got a tad in the way from time to time but something about this book was clicking with me.

And then today, I discovered something big.

The Big Leap, by Gay Hendricks, is a must read. The basic theory behind this book is that at times when we succeed, when we have good things and good fortune coming into our lives, for many of us it can be too much. We struggle with having that much goodness, that much success or luck or love in our lives that it makes us feel uncomfortable, without even realizing it. And then, without any intention of our conscious mind, we sabotage ourselves.

Think about it…...I’ve seen it multiple times in my life as a therapist.

A guy who has a great promotion at work starts to get sick and misses multiple days of work.

A couple who is trying to have a baby gets pregnant and then starts to have more little “fights” than they usually do.

A woman with an eating disorder goes 5 days without binge behavior and then goes out for a dinner with a friend and can’t stop herself when the food keeps coming.

It happens. When I hit my second promotion in Arbonne, I started to actually get a bit fearful, and then the negative head trash began. “What if I can’t keep this momentum going? What if I fail? Did I really just hit his mark? Me?” And on and on it went.

For many of us, we have an “upper limit” to how much goodness we can receive in our lives. We struggle to believe we can receive it, maintain it or we struggle to believe that we even DESERVE it, which challenges our cognitions about what’s going on.  My upper limit says, “I cannot continue to have success because of (fill in the blank).”

So today, on my run while visiting family in Arizona, it hit me…….I’ve been hitting my upper limit of happiness and sabotaging myself ALL YEAR LONG. Here’s how I came to a big realization……

After the IMAZ accident in 2014, I received an overwhelming response of support, both emotionally, physically, financially and mentally. I had the love of family and friends that exploded beyond my awareness. I had friends from childhood all the way up to my present day circle respond with overwhelming love. I had funds raised on my behalf that kept me alive and paying my medical bills. In short, the response to helping me was beyond anything I thought I’d ever receive. I never in a million years would have guessed I could be loved and supported that much. And it still to this day takes my breath away.

So here’s what I realized happened….when recovery came and progressed and life went back to somewhat “normal” status, it wasn’t easy for me to adjust back to my “new” life. While life was indeed moving on, I was still struggling. I was alone again and feeling handicapped. I wasn’t sure what lay ahead of me down the road and I was scared. And I began sabotaging myself. I hid from others and kept my pain secret. I didn’t utilize the plethora of people at my side to help me along. I ate a ton of sugar, something that had always helped me cope with pain as a child and it resulted in a weight gain of 15+ pounds over the past year. I withdrew and reacted to many things in my life out of fear instead of utilizing the tools I knew I had and the relationships I knew would be there.

In my own sabotage I realized that deep down within, I had this lie I believed that I didn’t DESERVE to feel so loved. I wasn’t WORTH the support of so many….and that ultimately it would all go away, so I just needed to realize that NOW. This realization totally hit me like a ton of bricks today. Wow.

Internally I was thinking “You shouldn’t feel this loved or supported because all in all, you are fundamentally flawed.” This thought created cognitive dissonance the mind “tug of war” when you try to hold 2 opposing thoughts at the same time. So I was dealing with the reality that I had a ton of love and support while also dealing with the belief that I was/am fundamentally flawed. 2 opposing thoughts/beliefs. “Given that I am bad/flawed/etc, how can I possibly be this rich in love and support?”

THus the cognitive dissonance can only be resolved in 2 ways…..either I sabotage myself and return to what “feels normal” (aloneness, loneliness, failure in taking healthy steps towards healthy) OR by letting go of the old belief which allow you to stabilize at the higher level and ultimately grow.

Isn’t this amazing? This was a huge realization for me today, something that I blamed myself for not realizing a LONG time ago. I was getting in my own way by believing something that was keeping me from being happy. We all do this from time to time. My own clients do this perpetually. They don't trust themselves or believe they deserve good things so when they’re successful for multiple days, something happens and that is their “reset” back to a level that feels comfortable and more “like them”......failure. This is the “upper limit bug” which bites me when I my higher levels of love, abundance and ability which I smack at when I feel like I’m hitting my limits in order to bring me back to a more understandable and more familiar level. The “bug” wins and I lose.

It makes me seriously wonder what would have happened if I had seriously pushed against the thoughts in my head that kept making me believe I wasn’t worthy of so much love and support. What if I would have reached out to others when I was scared and when I felt alone? What if I would have told others how handicapped and alone I felt even though I kept thinking it was time to be self-sufficient? What if I had expressed how sad and angry I was about the accident instead of eating it away? What if I would have believed it would be OK to express anger about the accident even though I was still grateful for being alive? Grateful for not having to sell my house and move home with my parents? Can you imagine how much easier this year could have been if I would have pushed against the fast beliefs that I had hit my limit for the goodness I could handle in my life?

This about it for yourself….how many times to things go really well and then the head trash begins. Or the sabotaging behaviors take over and that goal you have for yourself just gets ignored or the excuses keep coming.

My mind is blown by this book and I’ll keep reading and sharing.

I’m ready to take my Big Leap. Join me.

Be Taking a Big Leap. Be Brave.

Be Better Late than Never

Ironman Chattanooga…..my first attempt back at the IM 140.6 distance since the epic bike accident in Ironman Arizona 2014. There was a LOT on the line for this race but above all, I needed to finish this race…..my parents needed to see me get off the bike in one piece. I needed to cross a finish line and show myself I could do this again.

I had signed up for this race BEFORE Ironman Arizona 2014, mostly because literally everyone I love in the triathlon world in Ohio was doing the same thing. I wanted to be a part of the team. Chattanooga isn’t my ideal race course and after the turmoil of IMAZ 2014, I admittedly spent most of the year training “half assed.” I wasn’t sure I believed in myself to come back and finish but also wasn’t sure it was a race I wanted to do. My poor coach dealt with months of my fear and worry that I couldn’t handle Chattanooga and that I wasn’t going to be able to manage the challenges of the course. It was all crap. I was afraid and disappointed in the 10+ pounds I had put on in 2015 as a result of a ton of stuff I’ll share in another blog post. But overall, I showed up and got to race with some of the most amazing Ohio athletes I know….and that in and of itself was worth the entire trip.

My bud Ann had reserved a killer hotel room for us after the 2014 Ironman Chattanooga and despite it’s hefty price tag it was worth it. We were super close to transition and race start and again, worth EVERY penny. Driving down with Ann made my trip awesome….she’s a bright spot in my life and being with her made my heart smile. We arrived on Thursday before the race started and missed checking in by seconds. We finally crashed and woke up Friday to get our gear bags and all our race stuff, hear the athlete briefings and get our gear all set up to drop off the next day.

My parents weren’t going to NOT see me in this race and they arrived on Friday. My parents knew they couldn't’ talk me out of doing this race, although I know there was some fear and worry on both their hearts. How would there not be?

I dropped my gear off, always overpacking, on Saturday and then the rain came. Double bagged everything and that, again, was worth the effort. Chattanooga was going to be a tad colder than usual on race day and thankfully the rain looked like it would hold off. After dropping my bags, I went into Iron Amy hibernation mode. I needed to be quiet, and just rest without thinking about all the anxieties of the next morning. My parents did dinner on their own and I told them I’d see them in the morning. I was oddly calm for the race, the same feeling I remembered before Ironman Louisville in 2012 and Ironman Arizona in 2014. It’s almost where I get to the point of realizing “it is what it is. Let’s just go have fun, even if I take all 17 hours to finish this race. I'm here. That’s all that matters.”

It was an early morning wake up and down to the race start we headed. AFter grabbing a shuttle to the swim start downstream, we waited in line for the race to start. I opted to not wear a wetsuit and in the end it was a good decision for me. The water was warm and the current, as it always it, was with us. It’s a swimmer’s dream. I exited the water in 1:04. I’ll never swim that fast in an Ironman distance again. I loved it. I felt like it was easy and it wasn’t the crowded mess of Ironman Arizona.

Onto the bike. I had the fortune of riding the IM bike course about a month prior so I wasn’t unfamiliar with the course, but again, it was an Ironman. And the last time I raced, it didn’t end well. Oddly enough, none of that was on my mind. I just got on the bike and went. I had my own 2 Pure Bravery athletes racing and I wanted to show them I was strong and proud of my coaching and my bravery. I went on my training plan and surprised myself. Seeing friends along the way was fun and I made it through the first loop without a flat tire and without bonking. By the end it was tough, but it always is. It’s a LONG ride. I pushed myself and ended the bike course by actually getting OFF my bike in one piece…..and my parents were there to see it. Priceless. And a HUGE IM bike PR too boot. I made it off in about 6:30-ish. Surprised even myself!

Volunteers in the changing tent are amazing. One gal literally helped me change and kept sharing with me how proud she was of my efforts. This woman didn’t even know me but made me feel like I was a rockstar, and she reminded me what I had just done was a big frickin’ deal. Thanks gal.

Onto the run. It’s a wobbly feeling initially. Challenging to say the least. You’re using different parts of your leg muscles and it’s fun to take off a bit faster than you know you’ll be using down the road, mostly from the energy of the transition corund. I kissed my mother and high fived-my dad and told them I’d see them at the finish. They got to hang out with Ann’s family and I was glad they weren’t alone.

I’d run the IM run course before too so I wasn’t unfamiliar with it, although I knew it wouldn’t be easy. IT’s a hilly run course. It just is. And I felt nauseous for the first few miles….not sure why but ended up realizing I was behind a bit in electrolytes and needed some nutrition. I took nutrition earlier than I had intended but it helped. And seeing those awesome Base Performance guys Tony and Matt made my smile. Love them. Love Base.

On the first loop I knew the hills were coming. Thankfully a TON of my teammates were there to cheer me on and proudly enough I toughed it out on the first loop. My coach biked with me a tad and I was pleased I had been following our plan thus far! Never underestimate the ability to see people you love and love you back on the race course. It means more than I can express. Their belief in you will carry you through the dark times and it seriously did.

After the first loop I went out on the second and slowed a bit. I knew I had started too quickly on the first loop and although I know better, it happened. Lesson learned. After finishing the awful hills AGAIN On the second loop, I knew just a few miles and I'd be finishing. I hadn’t looked at the time but would come to realize I’d have an immense PR. Pushing it along I really tried to take it all in….the crowd, the support, the racers around me I chatted with, and the race itself…...I came back from almost dying a year ago and was about to finish an Ironman. Alive.

I pushed it in and finished a tad about 13 hours. My first IRonman experience in Lousiville 3 years prior was over 14:15. I had set a new record for myself just by enjoying my experience and doing MY race well. My coach meeted me there at the finish line and cried with me, just as she had done when she walked in my hospital room a year prior. It was a huge moment and meant the world to me. I was an Ironman…..again.

My parents were there and caught my finish. They have seriously got this Ironman spectator gig down well by now. And I'm so glad they were a part of my day. They have always been in my corner and supported my dreams. I’m a lucky gal.

I stayed around to see my friends finish and then went back to my hotel, changed clothes and came out for the finish. I walked into a hotel room with champagne from my Arbonne leadership team, supporting me all the way. All in all, a memory I’ll never forget.

While a lot wasn’t where I wanted for this race, I showed up...and that in and of itself was a feat, considering how I felt many times during the training year. I had wanted to quit so many times. I had beaten myself up so many times. I had made poor decisions so many times. But I showed up. And finished no matter what. I’d be grateful for the experience even if I had been the last person across that line.

I'm not sure what kept me from writing this race report….maybe I wasn’t sure how to put it all into words. Maybe I didn’t feel like it was a “true” comeback. I know it’s silly but emotions aren’t rational and they are what they are.

I’m looking forward to racing Ironman Arizona in 2016. I have some unfinished business.

Be proud of Ironman Chattanooga 2015. Be Better Late than Never. Be Brave.

Be Real....Because it's Time

I just spent the last 2 hours in my bedroom floor sobbing. We’re talking literally downpour of tears. I realized I’m 5 days away from an Ironman triathlon. 5 days away from taking on a race that both excites me and scares the shit out of me. I have a plethora of emotions that I’ve stuffed down away for months and months and months. Apparently it was time to let it all out. And it’s time to come out of the shadows.

Life literally changed for me in Ironman Arizona last November, 2014. That’s not a secret for anyone. Coming back to Ohio before Christmas brought with it a life I didn’t recognize. I wasn’t the athlete I remembered being. I was now a semi handicapped, part-time employee and I couldn’t do anything more than that for a while.  My heart really wanted to have everything go back to the way it was before but everything had changed. My body had to heal, my BRAIN had to heal. I was still slow on processing and remembering things. I got tired easily. I didn’t recognize myself and it was hard.

Despite all of this I was alive and I indeed was and am grateful for that truth. The immense amount of emergency, hospital and follow up bills would make me break out in a heavy sweat every time the mail arrived. My bills totalled tens of thousands of dollars. It overwhelmed me to the point my awesome Dad stepped in to help me because I felt unable to manage the stress. Having insurance helped beyond belief. The Go Fund Me account that was started after my accident was the ONLY thing that kept me going financially and helped me not have to move home to my high school bedroom and sell everything. I’m beyond grateful for the love that was poured out selflessly during the darkest times for myself and my family.

So in the midst of all of this it hit me…..severe depression and deep sadness. And I didn’t cope well. It was winter in Ohio (which is always challenging for me) and some relationships I had cherished changed in the same week I totaled my 2006 Honda CR-V. I didn’t share with others because I didn’t want to act as though I was ungrateful for all that had been done for me and given to me. So I suffered in silence….for months. I put on a happy face when I needed to do that, I put myself out there in relationships and tried to be as “real” as I could in my job and other areas. I took risks of which I am proud, starting my own coaching company, Pure Bravery Multisport, and my own health/wellness business, Arbonne International. I wanted both of these badly and I tried to really push myself to believe I was capably of these things, even if the negativity and fears roared on.

When you have strong emotions and you don’t honor them, and let them be heard, they don’t leave you alone. You try to get rid of them or stuff them down with bad habits that might have worked in the past but aren’t authentic and don’t really show yourself the love you deserve. That was my reality for all of this year. I won’t go into specifics because it’s really not important. The important thing here is that I used my ‘drug of choice” to manage my feelings instead of just being real. I used my fear to mask my reality that was this: I was beyond ready for that race and in one moment I lost a lot... for better or for worse it changed everything. I was grateful for being alive and beyond sad for so many reasons I couldn’t name. And I drown my sadness and sorrow in poor choices.

As time went on I began to feel like a complete fraud, which led to more hiding and more disappointment in myself. None of this was apparent because I kept of the game at work, with my athletes and with my friends. Inside I felt awful….I’m a talented therapist making poor choices while always pushing my clients to truth and authenticity. I'm a good coach who challenges and works with her athletes to help them be brave and yet bravery is something I kept struggling to maintain. The negativity poured on…..”How can you call yourself a coach with a name of Pure Bravery when you can’t even walk the walk of total bravery everyday? You shouldn’t ever have fear. How can you sit there hour after hour with clients and expect them to listen to you when you don’t have your own life together? How will you ever be able to build your Arbonne business when you’re afraid of rejection? Nobody will accept this.” That little internal saboteur we all have can be such an ass.

When all of this was going on during the winter, spring and into the summer there was also Ironman Chattanooga. Everyone was doing it and honestly I signed up before IMAZ last year so I was committed. The energy around this race, for everyone else, seemed to strong, kind of like what I had for IMAZ. I went back and forth for months on doing IMCHOO or not. My parents didn’t want me to race...I wasn’t sure if I should either. My confidence was shot. My passion for racing had changed mostly because I repeatedly sabotaged my racing goals with bad habits over the year. I was heavier than I usually am to race, I had slept in missing swim workouts or spin workouts or run meetups and that’s NOT ME.  I wore my own coach out with ongoing dialogue, changing my mind back and forth, emails about my fears and insecurities and I wouldn’t have blamed her if she wanted to fire ME. But she put it all back in my lap and wouldn't choose for me, I had to make my own choices, even if felt paralyzed to make a decision. So I trained on, and eventually my spark began to show again. I give this credit to everyone to continually believed in me and to my athletes who continually inspired me to do better and kept trusting me with their own dreams.

Most of the Ironman training this year has been not so much physical training but mental training. I have this ongoing challenging stream of thoughts I continually try to smash down. I focus on the reality that I'm out there and doing this, even if I'm not in the best shape or even the athlete I remember. I’m modeling endurance and (hopefully) bravery to my athletes to move forward even at a snail’s pace. I take ownership of all the choices, good and bad, I’ve made this year leading up to this point.  I'm not perfect at doing any of this by far, but I'm making steps forward no matter what.

My mother insisted that I get life insurance before this race. At this point I’ll do whatever my mother wants to help her feel less anxiety this weekend. My parents will be there and I want them to see me cross a finish line. Hell, I want to see myself cross that finish line. I well up with tears as I write this because a year ago I would have been able to boast about my amazing training over the past year and the outstanding time and pace goals I know I can hit in this Ironman...blah, blah blah….but I can’t do that this time and maybe that’s ok. My goals this time around are things like:

-Race MY race; not anyone else’s

-Have constant joy,

-Thank all the volunteers

-Encouraging others every 10 miles on the bike; every 1 mile on the run

-Remember someone different every 10 miles on the bike; every 1 mile on the run….feel them with you. They’re there. They’re tracking you online and send them love!

-Blow your parents kisses after they see you get off the bike...alive.

-Laugh continually, at every sign you see

-Stop on the bike if someone crashes severely. People have done that for you.

-Look for the spectators you know (your athletes, your MIT pals, your Base Salt peeps, your Just Tri peeps and Coach) and make sure you tell them you love them.

-Take it in when you cross that finish line, roll across it for Jon Blais. Roll across it for everyone who can’t.

-Let the tears come when you get that medal….and be proud of yourself. No matter what.

This race will be a gift….to get to do this with a TON of fellow Columbus peeps, with new friends I’ve met, with 2 of my own athletes.

Going to embrace the gift. Authentically. Raw and real...with bravery.

Be Real. Really real. Seriously. Be Brave.

Be Patient Dammit!

I reached a few new understandings about myself today, which really speaks about patterns in my life that have been most poignant in the past 8 week.  When I’m in a place where my patience is tested/pushed AND I have little to no control over the situation I can react in 2 different ways:

1       I freak out and fall apart emotionally or get overly angry at feeling so completely “out of control.” I’m fearful that this incident or injury or rare incident happening will reflect back on me and show the world how incompetent I am…OR it will ruin the life of someone else. Either way, it’s a extreme way to respond, I know this with all my heat and heart.

OR

2    I shut down. I give into the part of myself that tells me I’ve made a mistake or that this is a crisis that will ruin me, so why not just turn in the towel and agree?  Again, it’s not the best way to respond and I GET IT.

The realism I’m coming to from this is that I have got to find the middle path with impatience, especially when coming to the recognition that I have little to no control over many life circumstances. I can’t make myself develop new habits in 1 day. I can’t make myself recover from a near death accident in 1 week. I can’t run the pace I ran 8 weeks ago when I’ve been recovering slowly. I can’t take all my clients back yet and work full time. I can’t push others to find their own healing path if they aren’t up for the challenge.

I really thought I was better at this than I am. The truth is that working on patience and accepting reality is hard for us all, and for some of us it’s a daily practice.

One of the best things I need to do more of is keep leaning on others who are able to balance my impatient side with their patience side. I know they might struggle too, but in any particular moment, they can be JUST what I need. We all have people like that right?

Earlier in this week I had my regular physical therapy appointment with my great PT dude Joe. Joe welcomed me into the room and asked me how I was doing and how I felt. All I could feel that morning was that progress was slow. I mentioned to him that I felt good but was overly disappointed by how hard EVERYTHING felt. I truly felt like a struggling athlete, which isn’t bad, but it’s not the person I remember being 8 weeks ago. Joe balanced me well that morning and taught me more patience. “Amy, you haven’t been racing in the past 8 weeks AND you almost died in a tragic bike accident within the past couple of months. Considering all of that, you really need to recognize you’re making AMAZING progress.”  And I know he’s right. He’s not paid just to boost my ego, so he wasn’t giving me bull and I can really appreciate that. It’s funny how much we know we need to learn things but for SOME CRAZY REASON it always helps to hear it from others.

I was also reminded recently of the day I changed floors in the Scottsdale hospital and went from the critical care floor to the rehab floor. Rules were difference on the rehab floor and I quickly learned that I would need to ring a nurse just for the privilege of going to the bathroom. I hated this. Mostly because it was inconvenient, but also because it reiterate in my mind that I was handicapped and I hated that. So I had a bit of a sour attitude that night and called my mother crying. She tried to calm me down but got more anxious herself in the midst. We got off the phone and 5 seconds later my coach Carrie called. Poor Carrie had hear my mother in the other room dealing with “Impatient/Anxious Amy” and called to talk me down. After venting to her and feeling AWFUL for whining, she said to me, “Ok, here’s what we’re going to do then…you’re going to get through tonight and sleep well so that when tomorrow comes you’ll be ready to have a great yummy lunch with me and we’ll spend a good amount of time working on your notebook, making signs for your room and we’ll get you ready with goals for the week. And yes, it might be hard and you can tell me it really sucks and is WAY hard, but we’re going to do it and it’ll be ok. You’ll be ok. Sound like a plan?” “Ok” I said, sniffling back tears. She was right and I needed that more than ever.

The reality I’m coming to in all of this is that 95% of the time, the problem isn’t me…. it’s my belief that I can’t handle whatever is happening. So the turning point in harnessing more of my patient side is repeating the truth to myself that I CAN HANDLE THIS.

I could list a dozen things that I need to write down and remember, just for the sheer fact of reminding myself that not everything I believe in life might be true, especially if I believe it’s a crisis…because usually it’s not. Life happens and shit happens. Either way, I can handle it. I can be brave and keep moving ahead.

Patience is challenging…but impatience really robs me of the ability to show gratitude, and that’s something I can’t lose. Gratitude is the epitome of this beating heart that got a second chance.

Be Patient Dammit! Be Brave.

Be Friends with 2015 & Be Wise

Confession time: I haven’t written a blog entry in weeks…..this wasn’t on purpose, but more likely due to the fact that I wasn’t really “embracing” 2015 quite yet. It’s been a challenging first few weeks of the year here and like many of us, I’ve been avoiding stuff I really need to just approach and put out there…..sigh. Always learning, aren’t we?

Since being back in Ohio after early (and surprising) recovery in Arizona, I’ve come to realize that in the midst of coming back to my life here, my “normal” isn’t the same anymore. There are so many things about this recovery process that haven’t been my cup of tea. It’s funny how I can be grateful for the gift of life AND struggling with how to be “ME” again. What if that’s all changed? How am I to live normally again? I am a DIFFERENT person AND athlete now than I was 8 weeks ago!!!

In reality it’s been hard to come to terms with the fact that my training isn’t where I wish it was and my work life isn’t back to full time yet. Both of these areas were things I felt “strong” and upon returning to Ohio, I’ve had to “ease” back into training and presently am only able to work part time due to ongoing recovery efforts. Again, when life changes and the things that at one time were my STRONGEST parts of self, can now, at times, make me feel somewhat handicapped…...which is beyond challenging for this perfectionistic mind.

In my counseling practice, we teach our clients that the best wisdom and decisions they can make come from their “wise mind.” Wise mind is usually made of both the “rational mind” and the “emotional mind.” Rational mind is simply that...it’s rational. It knows the rules, the strengths and weaknesses and the logic behind arguments. Operating solely out of rational mind can be helpful, but it can also take any sort of feeling out of important, meaningful decisions. Emotional mind is just that….it’s emotional. This, of course, isn’t always bad, but when we sometimes make decisions ONLY from emotional mind, these may or may not be based in reality.

So the biggest reality I’ve come to in the past few weeks since being back, and starting 2015, is that I’m living most of my time in my emotional mind….which again, while beautiful and helpful, isn’t the only place I should be living. Get ready for some fun, because I’m going to narrate the ongoing emotional mind conversations I’ve been having with myself since coming back from AZ……

“It’s freaking cold here! But why are you always complaining about the cold? You WANTED to come home, remember? Shut up and enjoy it! Nope, not running at full tilt yet….that really sucks. Your body right now and your body 8 weeks ago are SO radically different. You’re slower, you’re softer, you’re not in any shape that you worked so hard to be in last fall…..way disappointing. You lost so much core fitness when you were in the hospital. Your body still carried many scars that don’t go away quickly. Better get used to it. Oh and remember that job you really excelled at? You can’t work more than part time right now even though financially you wish you could be back at 100%. Stupid traumatic brain injury makes you struggle with fatigue later on in the day…...again, you’re slow and handicapped. Get over it. Hopefully your colleagues won’t be disappointed if this goes on for the 6+ months the neurosurgeon quoted you! Great. Oh, and don’t think too much about that triathlon/running coaching company you wanted to start on the side AND name “Pure Bravery.” Who in their right mind would want to coach with you, knowing you’re not an elite athlete and you would literally be starting out in an area already saturated by coaches? Oh, and don’t share any of the negative or challenging thoughts with anyone….you don’t want to appear weak or ungrateful…..again just suck it up already and don’t be a loser…..at least not publicly.!”

Interesting, eh? Our emotional minds can be both a blessing and also a challenging place to reside if we always make decisions from this place. Luckily there are times, small times, but some times when I’ve been able to really step in my rational mind and see my current challenges for what they are…..just challenges. I’ve got some amazing pals who are able to step in and remind me that the way I’m thinking or feeling might not be the ONLY way to approach or interpret my life.

So here’s a bit of the rational mind AND wise mind…..it’s there ALL the time, but admitedly can be ignored at times:

“Amy, relax! It’s Ohio…..it’s going to be cold! It’ll only last for a few months though and it won’t always be this dreary or bad. You’ve been through many Ohio winters so just try to remember they aren’t always misery. Oh, and ff course your body isn’t where it was 8 weeks ago! You were in a major accident and was almost close to death, spent 2 weeks in a hospital bed and another 2 weeks at home with your parents in Arizona with super limited mobility. So it’s ok if your body isn’t where you WANT or WISH it could be. So what if you’ve lost a bit of core strength and feel a bit more “flabby!” Remember that getting back on the saddle is a choice and everyday you choose it because you consistently believe that bravery is key to life….so even if the fear is there, you BE BRAVE. It's ok if your Ironman strength is a bit slow right now. Oh, an so what if that spring marathon you always dreamt of doing this spring doesn’t happen! You’re getting your body back into running and races will always be there. Your Boston qualifying day will come. Right now it’s more important to get your body back to a place where running doesn’t hurt your ribs, where swimming doesn’t hurt your clavicle/shoulder, and where biking doesn’t FREAK you out! It’ll all come. Breathe. And remember that you want to be an example for others of strength and vitality. Oh, and the job stuff? Yeah, while you might be feeling “off” with not working full time yet, your BRAIN NEEDS TO FULLY HEAL. It’s really ok. You’re not stupid and you’re not handicapped. And seriously, if anyone thinks you’re lame for wanting to start a coaching company then ignore them. Seriously, they aren’t worth the time. You learned in this accident that life is a gift and we’re meant to do things we love. You CAN coach athletes….you CAN coach them in both training and the mental aspect of racing….you CAN help others reach their finish line. Believe in yourself. You’re more capable than you think.”

So it’s all in there…..it comes down to what I choose to listen to at various points in the day, I suppose. Everyday is different and each day I can go back and forth, getting really down on myself for not being where I was 8 weeks ago versus realizing that this present time is temporary….and it’ll all get back to “normal,” whatever that might be, someday.

Be Friends with 2015. Be Wise. Be Brave.